4 Kitchen Essentials Guaranteed to Piss Off Your MIL This Holiday Season

Mothers-in-law. We love them, and we love to hate them.

The Holidays are upon us, and we promised our significant others we would try harder not to say anything upsetting to dearest MIL this year. Of course, it won’t be easy to listen to the unsolicited parenting advice or the *eye-roll* critique on how we made her precious baby’s favorite casserole, but we can do this. We can bite our tongues, smile, and sneak shots of holiday cheer in the kitchen when no one is looking. How can we do this? Because folks, there is a loophole!

Just because we aren’t allowed to say anything does not mean we can’t display our tongue-in-cheek Fuck-Yous. So, here are four kitchen essentials guaranteed to piss off the ol' MIL this holiday season:

  1. Hooker On The Weekends Apron

    When the doorbell rings, be the first to greet your MIL wearing something special, like this Hooker On The Weekends Apron. She always has something to say about the length of your skirt or how much cleavage you’re showing, so give her something to stare at.

    Nothing was said, no rules were broken. Wife 1, MIL 0

    Hooker On The Weekends

  2. Fresh Out Of Fucks Hang Tight Towel

    You’ve been in the kitchen all day preparing this meal (it smells great, btw). You already know she has an uncontrollable desire to invite herself into your safe zone and make snide comments about your prep-work or your presentation, but this year you’re going to let it slide. Repeat after us: Thank you for your input; I will take that into consideration next time.

    Let your décor do all the talking with our Fresh Out Of Fucks Hang Tight Towel. It is sure to offend her sensitive palate. The best part? When she “accidentally” knocks the towel off the oven door, it won’t go anywhere, thanks to the Hang Tight Loop technology.

    Wife 2, MIL 0

    Fresh out of Fucks

  3. Calm Your Tits Candle

    Dinner is over. You married an incredible human being that understands the universal rule: You cook, I clean. You also know it is unacceptable for Mother’s Precious Baby to lift a finger, and the comments will start as soon as the first dish leaves the table.

    It’s all okay. You’re keeping your promise this year, and instead of saying anything, you’re going to light this Calm Your Tits candle before sitting down at the table. Then, when she stomps into the kitchen to help clean, she will be greeted by the subtle messaging of "shut the hell up."

    Wife 3, MIL 0

    Calm Your Tits Soy Wax Candle

  4. Jolly As Fuck Sticker

    Congratulations, you’ve hung in there. You’re almost to the finish line. The only thing left to do is get her out the door. MILs are notoriously nosey, so she won’t be able to resist the urge to look at the strategically placed gift next to the coat rack on her way out. Is that a gift tag she’s trying to read? No, it’s this Jolly As Fuck sticker you conveniently stuck on top of the box.

    Save the box for next year; it will become the gift that keeps on giving.

    Wife 4, MIL 0

    Jolly As Fuck Sticker

You did it! You kept your promise and had your fun. Now pour yourself a glass of wine; you deserve it.